My adopted hometown of Malmö, Sweden, hosted the kitsch-fest that is the Eurovision Song Contest this year.
Sweden earned this honor by virtue of our song winning the contest in 2012. The surprise was that Sweden then chose Malmö as the host city over Stockholm. (I’m pretty sure the residents of the country’s capital are still getting over the shock.)
I have been providing a virtual play-by-play (and by that, I mean snarky running commentary) of the annual spectacle for my followers on Twitter for practically as long as I’ve had my Twitter account. I actually have enough of a reputation for it now that some of my tweeps actually look forward to it and cheer me on.
This year, because the event has pretty much been unavoidable for all of my friends in Sweden, I decided to cross-post my #esc2013 tweets to my Facebook timeline for the first time … starting with the following apology to my U.S. family and friends, who I knew would have no idea what I was talking about:
“Dear American FaceBook Friends … the Eurovision Song Contest, being hosted by my adopted home city of Malmö, Sweden, is about to get underway. Apologies in advance if my feed does not make sense to you for the next two hours. Nu kör vi, Malmö!!!”
I have since heard from a number of FB friends that my observations managed to be entertaining even with near-zero context … quite possibly the finest literary achievement of my microblogging career so far. Enjoy!
Björn & Benny (ABBA fame) co-wrote opening number for the international choir composed of new immigrants to Sweden. Very classy. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Thank gawd Petra Mede seems to have gotten the stick dislodged from her @$$ for tonight’s telecast. Seems a bit more relaxed. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
France is going for a 90′s rocker-chick crossed with 60′s love child dancer… who bears a striking resemblance to Courtney Love. #esc2013 — Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Lithuania’s song is so boring. How did this even get in the show)#esc2013 ….zzzzzzz
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Moldova’s entry looks like the Barbie Doll that was on top of my 3-year-old goddaughter’s birthday cake. She wasn’t edible either. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Here comes Finland … will the “controversial” girl-on-girl smooch make the telecast? Naturligtvis … this is Sweden, ding-dongs! #esc2013 — Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Spain’s song started so strong, and then the singing began. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Belgium brings a powerful refrain, but the singer looks justifiably scared shitless of his back-up dancers. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
So many tweets at me that my iPhone is in a near-constant state of vibration, which means it’s going directly in my front pocket!!! #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Estonian singer is lovely, nice voice, bun-in-the-oven. That kid’s off to a great start. #esc2013 — Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Belarus entry is wearing tassels, NOTHING BUT TASSLES. Hottest back-up dancers so far. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Malta dude allegedly not in good voice due to partying too hard this week. How is one supposed to tell? #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Russia’s power ballad is a personal fave. But then I’m a sucker for the big choral refrain with inspiring key change. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Germany has some good energy … but rather understated for them. Where’s the guy from Sprockets? I need to touch his monkey. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Armenia is kind of a Boy Band with southern European facial hair. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
And the live audience EXPLODES at the introduction of #LyndaWoodruff!!! #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
And we’re back to the “music”, with The Netherlands. This song sounds like it was in a 1940′s musical movie soundtrack. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Romania goes bold with a falsetto that is making the Vienna Boys Choir director weep. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
UK’s Bonnie Tyler is in good voice … for Bonnie Tyler. Glad the old gal is having fun, & as an old gal, I’m allowed to say that. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Heja Sverige! Well-done Robin! In tune and ON tonight! Way to bring it for the final, brorsan! #couldntaskformore #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Hungary felt phoned in. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Denmark, dear neighbor, I still don’t understand why you’re the ‘favorite.’ Except for the parade snares. Drums are always cool. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
I quite like Iceland’s entry, but I desperately want to give that guy a haircut. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Azerbaijan has a man in a box … exactly where a man should be. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Greece uses its entry to demonstrate why their economy is in the toilet . #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Ukraine, a pretty girl in a mermaid dress, song has an interesting refrain. I predict it will do well in the scoring. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
I initially thought the Italian entry was Sasha Baron Cohen with a decent haircut. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Norway isn’t any better or worse than Denmark. Why isn’t this Scandinavian beauty the favorite? #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Forrest Gump assessment: Georgia is the only duet in the competition. And that’s all I have to say about that. #esc2013 — Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Ireland’s greased up dancing drummers have locked up the Friends of Dorothy vote and will therefore win the whole thing. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Sweden, Russian and Estonia are my personal favorites, which means there’s very little chance they will win. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
The amazing talent that is Sarah Dawn Finer is unleashed on the world. @sdfiner You go, girlfriend! #esc2013 — Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
Was I in the can when they announced the results of the jury voting? I don’t remember it at all. #esc2013 — Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
“I just don’t get it, Bren.” #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
My Twitter feed is streaming with reminders that the Danish singer is actually half-Swedish. #esc2013
— Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013
From the balcony of our flat, I can see at least a dozen spotlights criss-crossing the sky above Malmö tonight. We done Sweden proud. #esc — Shazzer (@Shazzer) May 18, 2013



a host’s gift, we bought a case of it on the spot. And it was, indeed, a big hit/great ice-breaker/interesting conversation-starter at every dinner party we ever brought it to … so much so that we searched high and low for it at Sweden’s state-run liquor stores when our limited supply ran out. Unfortunately, 




















May 21 2013
It’s rare that Russia is robbed …
Alt-Media-Commentary, Culture Clash, Pop Culture
… but in the case of the 2013 Eurovision Song Contest,I think it’s a pretty clear-cut case.
Malmö's Central Station "all dressed up" for Eurovision 2013. via shazzersnaps
The kitschy annual European music-fest was hosted by my Swedish hometown of Malmö this year, hence myself and many of my friends were much more engaged in the spectacle than we normally would have been.
Russia’s entry was easily my favorite performance the night of the final competition. Unlike years past, I actually watched portions of the semifinals since it was “local” and a surprising number of people I know had scored tickets. The song, titled “What If”, was good enough on the first listen to actually pull my attention away from my hyper-active Eurovision streaming twitter feed.
So when my new friend Matilda (who appears to have recovered from her recent dinner party to which Dr. Darling and I accidentally brought a collection of broken glass as a host gift) posted a video of her favorite Eurovision entry on Facebook (the Ukrainian number, which I had also noted as very good the night of the final), I had to dig up a link to the Russian song in reply.
Naturally I had to listen to it again before posting it to Matilda’s timeline, and I liked it even more upon hearing it a second time, and a third time, and a fourth time. The song starts with strings (always a good choice) and a simple melody, but it’s the lyrics that really grab you … in part because they actually make sense. This is by no means a given for Eurovision songs sung in English because in most cases, the lyrics have been written by a non-native speaker of the language.
There are so many reasons they got this performance right. The young Russian singer (21-years-old) has a rich alto voice and a ton of control. And when the four background vocalists come in (I’m a total slut for tight harmony), the energy starts to build toward a terrific bridge, and then all five of them hit the climactic key-change perfectly, and proceeded to basically BLOW THE ROOF OFF of Malmö Arena. Had I been there to hear it live, I’m sure I would have dissolved into a puddle of tears by the time they had finished.
Unfortunately, our house-guest for the weekend was adamant that I could not possibly vote for Russia … I presume for political reasons … and wanting to be a considerate host, I cast my vote for Estonia instead. (For the Americans reading this, I could not vote for Sweden’s song because participating countries are not allowed to vote for their own entry.) Russia ended up finishing 5th, which was quite respectable given how poorly my other favorites performed (Estonia, 20th and Sweden, 14th), but I felt kind of guilty for not sticking to my musical guns.
As you can see/hear in the video below, it’s basically the perfectly constructed pop power ballad, eller hur?
If Disney doesn’t option this song for its next animated film, they’re idiots.
**UPDATE: I’ve since learned that the song’s composers and all four backing vocalists are Swedes, which doesn’t surprise me at all and makes me feel even more justified for loving it so much. Heja Sverige!
Related articles:
Share this:
Tags: eurovision, Sound of Music, Video
Leave comment